My mint plant is a psychopath (and other herb psychopathology)

Yesterday, I realised with startling truth that my mint plant was a psychopath*. After picking yet another mint root growing up into the parsley patch, I thought to myself ‘how insidious you are Mr Mint, you psychopathic bastard’

…I may have not had my morning coffee yet.

But it started me down a slightly obsessive interesting consideration of the psychological and personality features of my herb garden.

Mint: The resident psychopath of the group. Insidious, slowly but surely inserting himself into the other plants space and then strangling them until he uses up all of the nutrients. He revels in the death of the parsley and then slowly starts planning his next attack.

Coriander: The dependent personality, he sits there desperate seeking reassurance and love, and quickly crumbles without it. He feels he cannot survive without the attention of another.

Basil: The one with bipolar disorder, basil has sudden and intense spurts of growth and seemingly overnight has made big changes. But then once winter comes, he falls into a dark depression and withers away.

Jalapeño: The chronic perfectionist, the over-achiever. In layman terms, the ‘look at me, look at me’ plant, always the most colourful of the bunch, with big beautiful chillies, the jalapeño plant strives too much and ends up burning out, never to show you a chilli again.

Parsely: The submissive masochist, the Anastasia Steele of the herb garden. Parsley lets the mint take over, slowly bending to its will without recognising its own power in the game until its too late.

*while knowledgable in clinical psychology of humans, I may not possess the necessary knowledge of plant mental illness to make such claims.

So I ask: Is your mint a psychopath too? Do you have other herbs that can be psychologically classified? Am I the weirdest person for having these thoughts?

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